time-out

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Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi on flow

Mihaly Czikszentmihalyi asks, “What makes a life worth living?” Noting that money cannot make us happy, he looks to those who find pleasure and lasting satisfaction in activities …

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If Not Now, When? The Beauty of Living in the Moment

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By Ed and Deb Shapiro
Expert Content | May 14, 2010

Busy woman
Photo: Brand X Pictures/Thinkstock
Life gets so hectic sometimes that you may feel like you’re just barely keeping up—even when you’re trying to stay one step ahead of the game. Ed and Deb Shapiro explain why it’s important to live for right now and just enjoy being.

No matter how much you try, plan, plot, arrange, have things to do, leave the house at the same time each day, arrive at the office the same time, pick up the kids on time—you still do not know what will happen next. Each day can so easily seem the same when you follow a routine of going to work, sitting at the same desk, coming home the way you always do. Did you ever feel like it is always Monday morning as the week goes by so fast, or as if you are always brushing your teeth, as the days seem to vanish?

When we were in England, Ed was one day chatting with a Buddhist nun named Avis. Ed said, “Some day we will all die and meet in heaven.” And Avis replied, “Yeah, and we’ll look at each other and say, ‘What was that all about?!'” It made Ed really value the present moment by realizing that only this is real!

Normally, you spend your time living either in what-could-have-been or what-might-have-been or if-only, or in the expectation of what-could-be or what-might-be. Of course, you can learn from the past. As challenging as it may be, the most painful experience often turns out to be your best teacher, and you may feel enormous gratitude that you learned so much. However, memories can also be like comfortable old shoes you are reluctant to part with. You put them on now and then to enjoy the familiarity, but you do not have to wear them every day. Ed trained at the Bihar School of Yoga in India, and one day his teacher looked at him and said, “Man’s memory is like a fool’s paradise!” Constantly living in either the past or the future is like being in a dream, because it limits your capacity to be in the wonder of the present, just being with what is happening right now.

Why life is ever-changing

Woman meditating at work
Photo: Jupiterimages/Goodshoot/Thinkstock

Although everything may appear predictable, the reality is that life can change in an instant. In fact, it changes in every instant, but you just don’t notice it. Spring is coming and the leaves are growing—they are not the same as they were yesterday…nor are you. We lived next to a river and walked beside it each day. But as much as it looked like the same river, even the same water, it was constantly changing as it flowed into the sea. Just as you may look the same, but the cells in your body are constantly being formed, growing and dying—you are constantly changing as you renew yourself in every minute.

You can stay open to these moments of change by simply being aware of them. Right now, just stop and take a deep breath. As you breathe out, just notice how your body feels, the chair you are sitting on, the room you are in. That’s all. It takes only a moment to be in the present.

Contrary to common belief, it can be immensely liberating to have nothing going on but this very moment: To discover that this whole world, this whole universe, is contained in this moment. To realize that nothing more is required of you than to just be fully here, aware and present. What a relief! Finally, you can experience this reality just as it is, without expectation, prejudice or longing, and without the desire for something to be different. Someone once asked Ed if he had ever experienced another dimension. He replied, “Have you experienced this one?”

Simply being still in this moment—without attachment to, or thought of, before or after—invites a deep sense of completion, the feeling there really is nowhere else you need to be or go. It is stepping into sanity and, more importantly, into even greater connectedness. It is impossible to think of somewhere else as being better, because the grass is vividly green exactly where you are. And if you don’t do this now, then when?

How to meditate in the moment

Ed and Deb Shapiro
Photo: Courtesy of Ed and Deb Shapiro

Meditating In the Moment

When you meditate by watching the breath entering and leaving, it naturally brings you into being in the present. The breath is just breathing, nothing more. And yet each breath is completely different from the last one. The breath draws you inward, and then you share it with the world as you breathe outward. You can repeat silently, “I am here; I am now; I am present! I am here; I am now; I am present!”

Your experience is just this, vibrant and rich. When you are fully present, the world you live in becomes extraordinary, as if being seen and heard and touched for the first time, for you are without preconceived ideas or desires. There is just the experience. Like a child making the unknown known, you are simply with what is, while also impelled to know it more intimately, to explore and understand…even to become it.

Practice: Breath Awareness Meditation

Sit comfortably with your back straight; hands are in your lap, eyes are closed. Spend a few minutes settling your body, being aware of the room around you and the chair you are sitting on.

Now bring your focus to your breathing: Just watch the natural movement of air as you breathe in and out. Silently repeat, “Breathing in, breathing out.”

Stay with watching your breath. If your mind starts to drift, just see your thoughts as birds in the sky and watch them fly away. Then come back to the breath.

Anytime you get distracted, bored or stressed, just come back to the breath, to this moment now. Silently repeat, “I am here; I am now; I am present! I am here; I am now; I am present!”

You can do this for a few minutes, or as long as you like. When you are ready, take a deep breath and let it go, open your eyes and move gently.

Ed and Deb Shapiro are the authors of Be The Change, How Meditation Can Transform You and the World. They are featured weekly contributors to Oprah.com, HuffingtonPost.com and Care2.com. Ed and Deb write Sprint’s The Daily CHILLOUT inspirational text messages. They have three meditation CDs: Metta: Loving Kindness and Forgiveness, Samadhi: Breath Awareness and Insight and Yoga Nidra: Inner Conscious Relaxation. Deb is also the author of the best-selling book Your Body Speaks Your Mind, winner of the 2007 Visionary Book Award.

Keep Reading More from Ed and Deb Shapiro:

Time-out ~ Traditional Definition

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A time-out involves temporarily separating a child from an environment where inappropriate behavior has occurred, and is intended to give an over-excited child time to calm down. It is an educational and parenting technique recommended by some pediatricians and developmental psychologists as an effective form of child discipline. It involves temporarily removing a child from an environment where inappropriate behavior has occurred, thereby discouraging such behavior. Often a corner (hence the common term corner time) or a similar space where the child is to stand or sit during time-outs is designated.

 

Time-out, painting by Carl Larsson

Contents

History

The concept of time-out was invented, named, and used by Arthur Staats in his extended work with his daughter (and later son), and was part of a long-term program of behavioral analysis beginning in 1958 that treated various aspects of child development. He introduced various elements that later composed foundations for applied behavior analysis and behavior therapy (the token reward system was another invention). Montrose Wolf, a graduate student assistant of Staats on several studies dealing with reading learning in preschoolers (see, for example, Staats, A.W.; Staats, C.K.; Schultz, R.E.; Wolf, M.M. “The conditioning of textual responses using ‘extrinsic’ reinforcers.”), used that background when he went to the University of Washington where he began his creative program of research. Wolf first used Staats’ time-out procedure in a 1964 published study dealing with the behavioral treatment of a child.[1][2]

Staats used the term in his 1968 book, Learning, Language and Cognition.[3] Staats described the discipline of his 2-year old daughter in 1962: “I would put her in her crib and indicate that she had to stay there until she stopped crying. If we were in a public place [where her behavior was inappropriate], I would pick her up and go outside [until she indicated she would stop the offending behavior].” In brief, he “intended time-out to constitute a very mild punishment, the removal from a more reinforcing situation.” This has the effect of weakening the offending behavior so that it occurs less frequently, quickly disappearing unless the behavior has been well learned.

Application

Time-outs are recommended for toddlers and younger children. The purpose is to isolate or separate the child for a short period of time in order to allow the child to calm down, as well as to discourage inappropriate behavior. The only requirement for release is for the child to be sitting quietly. When the child has calmed down, they may then express their needs in a more polite manner or return to their activity. Time-outs are alternatively used by parents to separate feelings of anger toward the child for their behavior and to develop a plan for discipline.[citation needed]

The method is seen as controversial in some parts of the world, notably Scandinavia.[by whom?][clarification needed] [4][5]

Effectiveness

Children between two and five years old may be frightened by their own lack of control when they throw a tantrum. Allowing the child to regain self-control on his own in a quiet place free of distractions will help them to learn coping skills and internal self-control.[citation needed]

Time-outs were not intended to be used as a punishment and are not very effective when used as a punishment because, by itself, it does not provide the child with an opportunity to learn from their misbehavior.[citation needed] However, many parents use the term time-out to refer to the naughty chair punishment method where a misbehaving child is separated for a specified period of time.

While some proponents of time-outs insist on silence and stillness from the child during the time-out, it is easier to use a “release-contingency,” such that the requirement is only that the child is sitting quietly at the end of the time-out period. Those who use time-out for children to get anger and frustration “out of their system” or for children to think about their behavior, are using time-out in a way that is different than those basing it on operant behavioral principles (that time-out/away from reinforcement may reduce recurrences of the unwanted target behavior).

Parents in favor of spanking have argued that time-out is ineffective. Other parents in favor of spanking have argued that it should be seen as a complement rather than as an alternative to spanking; a spanking may be preceded and/or followed by a time-out ‘to think about what you did’; some individuals order time-out to be spent divested as during spanking, even exposing the reddened bare bottom afterwards, with the hope of making the punishment more humiliating.

Spanking sometimes is used as a penalty if the child refuses to serve the time-out. However, other back-up penalties could be used, such as privilege withdrawal substantial enough to encourage serving time-outs instead.

Obviously, alternatives to both time-out and spanking exist as well, such as ignoring, differentially reinforcing other behaviors, modeling and teaching better behavior, etc.

Instant Restoratives

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By Valerie Monroe
O, The Oprah Magazine | July 03, 2010

Smile

Feeling a little burnt out? Run down? Overwhelmed? It’s time to put yourself first! Any one of these six things works like magic to bring you back home to yourself.

Dance
There was an unhappy marriage. The woman, in her mid-60s, was feeling sad and low. One afternoon her grandson, just 4 and unaware of her problems, had an uncontrollable urge to dance, which for him meant flapping his arms and churning his legs in such a way as to appear as if he were hopping madly around on a bed of hot coals. “Dance with me, Grandma!” he said, hopping closer to her. She danced. And remembered delight.

Have Sex
Three kids (grown), two demanding jobs, and one dead air-conditioner later, they lay naked and sweating in their large, connubial bed. “God,” she said, “I’m hot.” “That’s right,” he said, “you are.” He raised himself on one elbow, and with his face almost touching her, he began to blow lightly, from one of her shoulders to the other. The room, already warm, heated up. Endorphins were released. “I’d forgotten,” she said, finally. “Forgotten?” “I’d forgotten we were hot,” she said.

Fill Your Eyes with Green
It’s the color many jewelers use as a backdrop when they’re working on a delicate piece; green is said to be the easiest color for the eye to see. It’s also thought to balance emotions and bring on a feeling of calm. Have you ever been mesmerized by the dense green of a palm as it swayed in a tropical breeze?

Stand in a Steaming Shower
And let the hot water loosen the stiff muscles in your neck. Lean over and feel the water pound your back. Stand again and breathe in the steam, which carries moisture to your airways and your skin, where it replenishes the water that has evaporated from your cells.

Sweep
Too tired to dance? Husband on a trip? Middle of winter? Can’t sleep? Sweep. Depending on how you do it, it’s either the most productive way to be mindless (sweep that dusty attic floor) or the most mindful way to be unproductive (sweep the patio of falling leaves; they keep falling, you keep sweeping, sweeping, doing only this).

Breathe
She used to get panic attacks. Then she learned how to “square breathe.” Picture a square; choose a corner. Count to four as you slowly inhale. Count to four as you exhale. Reach the next corner on the inhale, leave it on the exhale. Four corners. Four deep breaths. Her heartbeat, which would suddenly gallop away, slowed to a comfortable trot. (Deep, slow breaths increase the amount of carbon dioxide in the body, which reduces the panic response.)

Why it’s okay (actually, essential) to put yourself first

Why Saying No Is Saying Yes to Yourself

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By Ed and Deb Shapiro
Expert Content | July 16, 2010

Smiling woman
Photo: Brand X Pictures/Thinkstock
Do you feel the need to please? To care for other people before yourself? Ed and Deb Shapiro explain why putting yourself first isn’t selfish—it’s the best thing you can do to help others.

Some people (like Ed!) have a difficult time saying no to family and friends. For Ed, it is a genuine desire to help, just as it may be for others, but it can also be due to a need to be loved. Do you ever feel that if you aren’t there for someone, she may reject you? Or, that you are somehow obliged to help, as it makes you a “good” person? Do you feel validated by being so needed?

The world is like a magnet, constantly pulling your energy outward with activities, concerns and caring for others, whether it’s your children, family or work. In the midst of all this, what happens to you? “I have so much to do! The children are always too noisy, too demanding! I have too many meetings, letters to be answered, orders to be filled, classes to teach, deliveries to be made.” The list is endless. As a result, it never seems possible to find time to just be with you.

It is also easy to feel that any time you take to relax or meditate is time that could be better used elsewhere. But taking time out does not mean it is selfish or even wasted time. Think about what happens when your day is spent constantly caring for others. Do you get burnt out, resentful, irritated or even angry? Do you find stress building up? Do you lose your temper or get ill easily? Does the quality of care that you offer become affected by that inner tension? Or are you so used to being this way that it seems impossible to imagine being any other way? You may even believe you’re not the relaxing type or that if you do relax you will not be able to cope with all the things you have to do.

However, by taking time for yourself—by lowering your blood pressure and releasing stress—you are immediately creating a more harmonious environment with a greater ease and peace that can only benefit those around you. When you take time out to be quiet, it means you do not get so angry, resentful or frustrated. Instead, you have time to go within, to connect with who you really are. Then what you share with others is coming from that peaceful space. When you are energized and feeling good, you will be able to do far more than if you are dragging yourself through your day with little energy or in a bad mood. So, rather than being selfish, such activity is actually the least selfish thing you could do! This is when saying no to others means you are saying yes to yourself, which is ultimately of even greater benefit to the ones you were saying no to.

Our yoga teacher Swami Satchidananda, said, “Never compromise your peace, whether it be to your children, parents, husband, wife or friends.” Unless you are at peace, what you give to others is your stress or anxiety. Zen teacher Thich Nhat Hanh has a telephone meditation he teaches: When the telephone rings, just wait, breathe in and out and slowly, walk to the phone and be at ease when you answer. Then the person at the other end will feel your peace.

Make time for yourself

Ed and Deb Shapiro
Photo: Courtesy of Ed and Deb Shapiro

No one can make time. No one can change your habits or routine. For relaxation and meditation to have an effect on your life, you need to make an agreement to honor yourself by doing it. This is actually a commitment to your own sanity and freedom. It is not to anyone else—not to a teacher or even to your family—but to living, for with this you will find a far deeper joy and happiness. That choice has to be made by you. You can change the way you look, where you live, even who you live with, but unless you connect with who you are inside, then none of those external changes will make much difference.

Entering into the Quiet
Taking time to relax or meditate is not the same as going for a walk or quietly listening to music. These are wonderfully relaxing activities, but they do not have the same effect as simply being still. Even 10 minutes a day can achieve enormous change, which will help all those around you as much as it does yourself. Others will find it easier to communicate with you, will enjoy being with you and will even be motivated to help themselves more. As peace is contagious, let’s start an epidemic!

There is great beauty and joy that is your birthright, and you find this when you let go of resistance and stress and reconnect with that quiet space within; when you discover your essence rather than focusing on the content. A stressed mind sees life as a burden or constraint, while a relaxed mind meets life with dignity and fearlessness.

Sitting Quietly
Sit comfortably with your back straight. Take a deep breath and let it go. Eyes are closed; breathe normally. Begin to silently count at the end of each out breath: Inhale…exhale…count one; inhale…exhale…two; inhale…exhale…three. Count to 10, then start at one again. Just 10 breaths and back to one. Simply following each breath in and silently counting. So simple.

Ed and Deb Shapiro are the authors of Be The Change, How Meditation Can Transform You and the World. They are featured weekly contributors to Oprah.com, HuffingtonPost.com and Care2.com. Ed and Deb write Sprint’s The Daily CHILLOUT inspirational text messages. They have three meditation CDs: Metta: Loving Kindness and Forgiveness, Samadhi: Breath Awareness and Insight and Yoga Nidra: Inner Conscious Relaxation. Deb is also the author of the best-selling book Your Body Speaks Your Mind, winner of the 2007 Visionary Book Award.

Keep Reading More from Ed and Deb Shapiro: